Shame is one of those quiet, heavy emotions that many of us carry without even realising it. For neurodivergent people, it can settle in early, shaped by years of feeling different, misunderstood, or like we’re somehow getting life “wrong”.
Shame is something that comes up often in the work that I do, and it’s something many neurodivergent people carry quietly within them. From early on, we begin to absorb messages, sometimes subtle, sometimes painfully direct about who we’re supposed to be, and who we’re not allowed to be. We learn what’s considered “normal”, and what’s seen as “too much”. And when we don’t quite fit those standards, it can leave us feeling like we’ve fallen short.
Our differences, whether in how we think, feel, communicate, or process the world are so often misunderstood. We’re told to try harder, to be more consistent, more focused, less emotional, more social. These messages can leave deep marks. Over time, we start to believe that there’s something wrong with us, rather than recognising that the standards we’re being measured against were never meant for us in the first place.
Because the world isn’t always set up to understand or support us, many of us learn to hide the parts of ourselves that don’t seem to fit. We mask, we overcompensate, we push ourselves to exhaustion trying to be what others expect. That quiet voice of shame can become ever-present, whispering that we’re “too much”, or “not enough”.
But here’s the truth: shame is not something we’re born with. It’s something we’ve learned from a world that struggles to make space for difference. The stigma surrounding disability, mental health, and neurodivergence feeds that shame and convinces us that our struggles make us broken. In reality, we are not broken, we are responding to an environment that often doesn’t know how to meet us where we are.
So how do we begin to release that shame?
Start by gently asking yourself: Is this shame truly mine to carry? Often, the shame we feel belongs to a society that has misunderstood us. When we begin to see that, we can start to loosen its grip. Shame tries to protect us, to keep us in line with what’s expected, but that protection comes at the cost of our authenticity and our self-worth.
The process of healing begins with self-compassion. Speak to yourself the way you would to someone you love. You are not wrong for being different. You are a whole, complex, feeling human being doing your best in a world that wasn’t designed for your way of being.
Let it be spoken. Shame thrives in silence. When we share our experiences with others who understand, fellow neurodivergent people, trusted friends, supportive communities, the weight begins to lift. Connection reminds us that we are not alone and that our experiences are valid.
And when shame rises up, as it sometimes will, take a moment to notice it with curiosity rather than judgement. What has triggered this feeling? Whose voice does it belong to? What might need to change for you to let it go?
Shame often exists to control or silence the parts of us that others have found uncomfortable. But those parts are often the most beautiful, creative, and essential pieces of who we are.
You are worthy, exactly as you are. You don’t need to hide.
Take a moment today to show yourself a little compassion. Speak kindly to yourself. Reach out to someone who understands, or connect with a neurodivergent community where you can be your unmasked self. Healing shame takes time, but you don’t have to do it alone.