“Never good enough” is something I hear often in my work with clients. It can show up as a constant pressure to please, to prove your worth, or to get everything “just right” in order to feel acceptable. There’s often a quiet but persistent fear underneath it all, a fear of getting things wrong, of being judged, or ultimately, of being rejected.
For many, this isn’t about perfection in the traditional sense. It’s not always about doing things flawlessly. Instead, it’s about what it means if something goes wrong. It’s the belief that there is a “right way” to be and that somehow, everyone else has figured it out except you.
This is something I deeply relate to myself as a neurodivergent person. I remember once buying a book on perfectionism, hoping it would help me understand my own experience. But it didn’t quite fit. My struggle wasn’t about needing everything to be perfect it was about the fear of what would happen if I wasn’t.
In my work with clients, one of the first things we explore is the idea of “shoulds.” These are the internal rules we carry about who we should be and how we should behave.
“I should be more confident.”
“I should be more organised.”
“I should always say the right thing.”
These “shoulds” can become so ingrained that we rarely stop to question them. But when we begin to notice them, we can start to understand the expectations we are placing on ourselves and often, the expectations we assume others have of us.
The next step is gently asking: Where did these beliefs come from?
Were they shaped by family, school, friendships, or societal messages? Were they a way of staying safe, fitting in, or avoiding criticism? Understanding the origins of these beliefs helps us to see that they didn’t appear out of nowhere they were learned, often for very valid reasons.
From there, we can begin the process of loosening their hold.
This means starting to question whether these “shoulds” are actually serving you. Are they aligned with your values, or are they keeping you stuck in a cycle of self-criticism and anxiety? Slowly, we can begin to replace “shoulds” with something more compassionate and authentic, wants and needs.
Instead of asking, “Who should I be?” we begin to ask, “Who do I want to be?”
What matters to me?
What feels meaningful and important in my life?
I remember a time when I was trying so hard to fit an image of what I believed others expected of me. Not a hair out of place. Clothes perfectly neat. Eating in a certain way. Even smiling “correctly” I spent so long practising this in the mirror. I worried about how many hobbies I had, what kind of hobbies they were, who I was friends with, how many friends I had, and what success should look like.
The “shoulds” were running everything. It didn’t feel like my life anymore.
If any of this resonates with you, I invite you to try a small exercise. Take a moment to notice the “shoulds” that show up in your own life. Write a few of them down. Then gently question them.
Where did this come from?
Is this truly mine?
What would it feel like to let this go?
You don’t have to change everything overnight. But even becoming aware of these patterns can be the beginning of something powerful, a shift towards a life that feels more like your own.
And perhaps, over time, a growing sense that you are already enough.