Confrontation is something that comes up quite often in my work with clients. For many of us, speaking up for ourselves can feel incredibly difficult. It might be something as simple as telling someone that something they have said has upset us, asking for our needs to be met, or saying that a boundary has been crossed.
And yet, these things can feel much bigger than they perhaps “should”.
I think part of this comes back to our past experiences and the relationships we have had throughout our lives. We learn from those around us how conflict works. We learn how other people respond when they are frustrated, angry or disappointed, and we learn what happens when we express our own emotions.
If, growing up, someone’s anger or frustration was frequently directed towards us, anger might not feel like a normal human emotion. It might feel threatening. We may have learned that when someone is angry, something bad is about to happen.
So when we find ourselves in a confrontation as adults, our response isn’t necessarily just about what is happening in that moment. Our nervous system may be responding to everything we have learned to associate with conflict.
We might fear how the other person will respond.
We might fear how we will respond.
Or we might fear how we are going to feel afterwards.
For some of us, this can lead to people-pleasing, avoiding difficult conversations or staying quiet even when something doesn’t feel right. We might tell ourselves that it’s easier not to say anything. We might worry that we are being “too sensitive”, “difficult” or unreasonable.
I’ve noticed that sometimes the hardest part isn’t actually knowing what we want to say. It’s giving ourselves permission to say it.
Because confrontation doesn’t have to mean aggression. It doesn’t have to mean shouting, arguing or things boiling over. There is a space between saying nothing and becoming angry. That space is assertiveness.
We can say:
“That didn’t feel okay for me.”
“I’d like you to speak to me differently.”
“I don’t agree with that.”
“I need to set a boundary here.”
We can advocate for ourselves while still caring about the other person’s feelings.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that every confrontation will go well. We can’t control how someone else responds. Sometimes people will be defensive. Sometimes they might be disappointed or angry with us.
And that can be really uncomfortable.
Part of learning to speak up for ourselves is learning that someone else’s discomfort doesn’t automatically mean that we have done something wrong.
We are allowed to have needs. We are allowed to disagree. We are allowed to change our minds. We are allowed to say no. And we are allowed to tell someone when something hasn’t felt okay.
For me, learning to become more comfortable with confrontation isn’t about becoming someone who never feels anxious about conflict. It’s about developing the confidence to know that I can have difficult conversations and survive the feelings that come with them.
Sometimes speaking up will still feel scary.
But scary doesn’t necessarily mean unsafe.
And perhaps the question isn’t “How do I avoid confrontation?”
Perhaps it’s “How can I learn that I am allowed to take up space, communicate my needs and advocate for myself, even when it feels uncomfortable?”