Grief is a deeply personal and complex experience, one that reflects the love and value we place on the people, relationships, and aspects of life we cherish. As a counsellor, I often remind my clients that grieving isn’t just about losing a loved one; we grieve lost identities, abilities, relationships, and even beloved animals. Grief can take many shapes, and the process is unique to each person.
The Five Stages of Grief
Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While these stages provide a framework for understanding grief, it is important to recognise that grief isn’t linear. Some may experience these stages in a different order or revisit them multiple times.
Denial: The initial shock and disbelief that the loss has occurred. It can feel surreal, as though life is moving forward while you remain frozen.
Anger: Feelings of frustration or resentment may surface. This can be directed at oneself, others, or even at the person or thing that was lost.
Bargaining: A period of “what if” and “if only” thoughts, where one tries to make sense of the loss or regain a sense of control.
Depression: A deep sadness that sets in as the reality of the loss becomes more apparent. This stage can be particularly overwhelming.
Acceptance: While the pain of loss may never fully go away, this stage allows for the integration of grief into one’s life in a way that permits forward movement.
Grief as a Reflection of Love
Grief exists because we cared. The depth of our sorrow is a testament to the significance of what we have lost. Whether it was a person, a phase of life, or an identity we once held dear, grief is a mirror to the love we have felt. Recognising this can provide comfort and validation in the midst of mourning.
Neurodivergence and Grief
For neurodivergent individuals, grief may manifest differently. Many experience delayed grief, where the emotional impact doesn’t surface until much later. Some may not express their pain through tears but instead channel their emotions into fixations, routines, or deep focus on specific interests as a means of regaining control. Others may struggle with attention and executive functioning, finding it difficult to focus on daily tasks amidst their grief.
When I work with clients, they often feel shame in relation to how they are grieving, fearing that they are not doing it “right” or that others may judge them for not expressing their grief in an expected way. I always tell them that grief is personal—it does not need to follow a prescribed method. What matters is grieving in a way that attends to their needs and honours their relationship with what they have lost. Finding ways to express how they are feeling is important, but whether that is through creativity, talking to someone, stimming, engaging in special interests, or any other means, what truly matters is giving themselves permission to grieve.
Grief, Change, and Routine Disruption
Grief is not just emotional; it can disrupt a neurodivergent person’s sense of routine and stability. The loss of a person or a way of life means change, and change can be incredibly difficult to process. The lack of predictability can amplify distress, making it essential to find ways to establish a new sense of stability.
Allowing Space for Grief
Healing does not mean forgetting. It is crucial to create space to grieve, acknowledging emotions without judgement. Finding ways to honour what was lost, seeking support, and allowing oneself to move through grief at their own pace can lead to eventual acceptance. There is no right or wrong way to grieve—only what feels right for you.